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Moral Kiosk - update

Friendship is a strange thing. We have rules, ways of behaving that we expect one another to know, one another to live by. Sometimes these rules are spoken aloud; more often then not they are merely assumed. Usually we have no logical creation of these rules, only a deep seated sense that they are right.

When one of these rules is violated we are hurt, severely, but we rarely know what to do. "These rules shouldn't ever be violated," we think "everyone is aware of them."

I want to forgive, but I can't.

I want to hate, but I don't.

Moral Kiosk

Something happened to me this weekend that made me fairly depressed for a while. After chatting with some good friends in person I felt much better. Its amazing how many times you can think that an emotional wound is healed but when rubbed the right way it chafes and burns.

On that note, this may be the first time I've ever posted lyrics in a post other than as a brief quote. It's usually not my style, but as I continue to heal I heard this song and it felt so right.

Don't Think Twice, It's All Right

It ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
It don't matter, anyhow
An' it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
If you don't know by now
When your rooster crows at the break of dawn
Look out your window and I'll be gone
You're the reason I'm trav'lin' on
Don't think twice, it's all right

It ain't no use in turnin' on your light, babe
That light I never knowed
An' it ain't no use in turnin' on your light, babe
I'm on the dark side of the road
Still I wish there was somethin' you would do or say
To try and make me change my mind and stay
We never did too much talkin' anyway
So don't think twice, it's all right

It ain't no use in callin' out my name, gal
Like you never did before
It ain't no use in callin' out my name, gal
I can't hear you any more
I'm a-thinkin' and a-wond'rin' all the way down the road
I once loved a woman, a child I'm told
I give her my heart but she wanted my soul
But don't think twice, it's all right

I'm walkin' down that long, lonesome road, babe
Where I'm bound, I can't tell
But goodbye's too good a word, gal
So I'll just say fare thee well
I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don't mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all right

-Bob Dylan, 1963

I Wanted to Be Wrong

So, I'm listening to "This American Life" (I've been doing that a lot lately), and this guy is interviewing people about how they feel about him; they all think he's an @$$hol3. He's asking his friends about it, and asks one of them:

"If you think this way about me, why are you still friends with me?"
"I don't know... inertia."

And I thought about that. How many times are we friends with people not because of any real reason we want to be together, but because we have been for so long?

...oh, this isn't a comment about any of my fine readers. I was just thinking of an earlier conversation I had with a friend.

Wanting to be with Jenn on some level was just due to inertia.

So, here's to overcoming inertia.

So, in a vain attempt to avoid doing work, I have, once again, been playing around with Netflix. I now have 414 DVDs in my queue. Assuming that each disk is only 2 hours (which many of them are more, especially if they are a disk of some TV show), it would take me 818 hours, or 34.5 days to watch them all. That's right, I've dedicated 35 days of my future life to watching movies.

Bittersweet Me

We got an offer on the house earlier this week, far below what we could afford to part with it for, so I haven't thought about it a lot. With the offer the woman put down we'd have to shell out $10,000 each AND spend $3000 on tree removal and get rid of the woodstove. Obviously this wasn't going to work. I figured the buyer would move on and forget about us. We countered with an amount where Jenn and I would walk away with $5,000 each and only remove the woodstove and there were a series of back and forths between our Realtor and the buyer. Finally she came back with a deal whereby the two of us would lose a total of $1000 on the house and have to remove the woodstove.

As of 45 minutes ago I said yes.

Why? Why did I say yes? I made it very clear to Jenn that I wouldn't accept any deal that lost us money. I can't afford to shell out $500. I'm just not as strong as I keep thinking I am. Jenn really wants this, I want out, but I want out with some cash in my pocket. I've been making plans based on putting a little money down on a condo, now I'm broke.

So, Why? Because ending this chapter is worth it. I can really actually finish the mourning process when I'm not wondering if she's there. I can start dating without thinking about planning.

I decided to cheer myself up by reading friends' old blog entries. I read Jim's blog, all of it, and then I moved on to Jon's. And I cried. I wept, quietly, since I'm at my desk at work. But I read a post about Jon's brother and I lost it. I've been thinking about my life a little bit differently since then.

Jon, I know you're away this weekend and might not read this until Monday, or at all, but that being said I wanted to comment on how you touched my life. Wow, that sounds sappy, but so what.

A few weeks ago I was leaving an Elmwood meeting and you were standing outside talking, I think with Tricky. You looked up at me as I got in the car and said "I love you, man." At the time I replied without thinking, but as I drove away, I thought it was an odd thing to say; I appreciated it, but I thought it was odd. I thought about it again after I read through some posts, and I have this to say:

I love you, man.

OK, I'm done with the overly emotional personal messages.

Now I'm looking for a roomate and a 3 bedroom for a fairly cheap price. My goal is 2 years in one place, then buying again.

---intermission---

...who will tell me how she feels even if its wrong, especially if its wrong, and allow it to be.

...who will let me feel, even if she doesn't like it.