Monday, September 29, 2008

Camera (movie edition)

Today's themed post is all about the movies.

First of all, check out this news. (Update: this link seems to be screwey and not working every time, try this if it fails). Apparently Kenneth Branagh is in talks to direct the upcoming Thor movie. Now, I haven't always seen eye-to-eye with Branagh, his Hamlet seemed to me like an exercise in vanity, but when I heard about it, I had the same thought that the guys at Ain't It Cool had; Henry V. If you haven't seen this version from 1989, you're really missing someone who nails Shakespeare in a film setting.

Secondly, I believe on the night of 10/17 (that's a Friday) I'll be hosting a get-together and screening of one of the twentieth century's finest pieces of cinema. That's right, it is finally time for the Adventures in Babysitting viewing we've been talking about for so long. 80's attire is strongly encouraged, bring some snack or drink to share. Please note, I have Gwen that night, so all festivities will be muted, this isn't an all out, wake the neighbors party, but rather a chance to get together and enjoy ridiculousness.

Finally, I had an idea yesterday for a screenplay which I can't shop to Elmwood, there is no way we'd ever have the budget for it. Its a simple premise, an over-the-top action movie in the strain of Die Hard and the great buddy movies like Lethal Weapon starring....

Helen Mirren and Judi Dench.

Can you imagine? I know it would be a success, I can't think of anyone who wouldn't want to see it. I'm thinking Matt Damon and Casey Affleck as the love interests, Jeremy Piven as the villian, and Timothy Olyphant as the police chief. I'm shopping script names, but I think I'm going to put this together.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

We Walk

I haven't posted in a while, and for that, I apologize. Work has been pretty busy and I have disassembled my computer at home for the time being.

Right now my life is in a holding pattern. I have yet to progress on anything, finding a place to live, selling my house, progressing in my personal life. My brother, with whom I was going to be buying a house got an apartment and I didn't find out until after he signed the lease. Now I don't know what I'll do, though I imagine it means going back to renting, something I thought was behind me.

The house is still on the market, we have now dropped the price $40,000 from where we started 6 months ago. I don't think I really need to say more than that.

I haven't made any moves in my personal life. I'm not entirely sure why, perhaps my initial reluctance.

Much of my free time has been planned for me lately, and I'm not sure how much I like that. I've joined some new table top games, we'll see how that goes, and I'm spending time with different people.

I feel like because of personal committments I haven't been as open to Elmwood as I'd like to be, though I have no idea how to fix that. For those Elmwood people out there, know that I'm trying.

Finally, I'm hoping to add some videos up here soon, I'll let you know as soon as I can.

Friday, September 19, 2008

I heard an incredible quote today:

"Stereotypes are like rogue elephants with AIDS who have been set on fire by terrorists... only worse."

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Talk About the Passion

For the first time in a while, I've got something I simultaneously want to talk about and want to keep secret. It's a strange feeling. I've even learned a new word about it. Something so important to me that I think about it a good portion of my day, but something, I don't know, maybe I'm ashamed, maybe I'm worried that by talking about it I'll break the spell, or talk myself into or out of it; and I really don't know which is worse.

I guess it all comes down to not really knowing who I can talk to about this. I'm not sure if I have someone in my life who I feel comfortable enough talking about these things with right now. That's not a condemnation of any of you, my dear friends and readers. I've just shuffled around so much in my life that I'm not sure where I stand with a lot of things. And, really, some of it boils down my trying to guess what other people are going to say, how they are going to react. I know I shouldn't, I don't know at all what anyone thinks, I'm making these assumptions without any basis - but there I go.

So I'll dive into it.

I have feelings for someone. I have no idea if these feelings are reciprocated. That is, without a doubt, the most terrifying thought I've had since I came to terms with the divorce.

While typing all of this I realized that I am constantly thinking about how I'm going to be judged by saying all of this. I'm trying to think of what to say that would best hide who I'm talking about; guessing who knows, who guesses, who guesses incorrectly, who is going to mention this to my ex-wife.

When I first allowed myself to acknowledge the fact that my relationship with my wife was over - that I had been pulling myself into terribly bad relationships, that I didn't know (at the time) how to be in a healthy relationship - I told myself that it would be at least a year before I even thought about allowing myself to be in a relationship. I told myself that I would take that time, and learn how to be me, on my own, before I would allow myself to be attracted to someone. Lust, that was fine. One night stands or the like, not a problem. But any emotion attached to it, not on your life. And since then, I've spent a lot of time alone. I've allowed myself to feel fine alone, to actively not want to spend time with people. I don't know if that's OK.

I don't know if its enough, but other than an arbitrary date that I set, I don't know how I'll know when I'm ready.

To add more to it, I don't know if I could get involved in a healthy relationship with this person. I've seen how this person has operated in relationships, and I don't want to be that way. It doesn't mean it will be that way, and I'm fairly certain that if it ever got that way I'd be able to get out without a look back.

But I want it. At least I think I do. I want to give it a try. Maybe this is all academic, maybe I'll tell her that I feel this way and she'll tell me that she doesn't. I know that I could continue the way I am. I could go this way indefinitely. I just don't think I want to. I want to reach out and try. I'd like to get back into a relationship again. It doesn't have to be long-term. It doesn't have to be the next Mrs. Tanner; but dating, spending time on this level. I'd like to do that again.

I've gone on something close to a date with this person, but neither of us declared it as this hallowed state. We both had fun, but I don't know how to cross that divide. To reach out and say "Hey, I'd like to be more than friends." I don't want to lose her as a friend, but I don't want to stay in this limbo.

I wish I had an answer.