For the first time in a while, I've got something I simultaneously want to talk about and want to keep secret. It's a strange feeling. I've even learned a new word about it. Something so important to me that I think about it a good portion of my day, but something, I don't know, maybe I'm ashamed, maybe I'm worried that by talking about it I'll break the spell, or talk myself into or out of it; and I really don't know which is worse.
I guess it all comes down to not really knowing who I can talk to about this. I'm not sure if I have someone in my life who I feel comfortable enough talking about these things with right now. That's not a condemnation of any of you, my dear friends and readers. I've just shuffled around so much in my life that I'm not sure where I stand with a lot of things. And, really, some of it boils down my trying to guess what other people are going to say, how they are going to react. I know I shouldn't, I don't know at all what anyone thinks, I'm making these assumptions without any basis - but there I go.
So I'll dive into it.
I have feelings for someone. I have no idea if these feelings are reciprocated. That is, without a doubt, the most terrifying thought I've had since I came to terms with the divorce.
While typing all of this I realized that I am constantly thinking about how I'm going to be judged by saying all of this. I'm trying to think of what to say that would best hide who I'm talking about; guessing who knows, who guesses, who guesses incorrectly, who is going to mention this to my ex-wife.
When I first allowed myself to acknowledge the fact that my relationship with my wife was over - that I had been pulling myself into terribly bad relationships, that I didn't know (at the time) how to be in a healthy relationship - I told myself that it would be at least a year before I even thought about allowing myself to be in a relationship. I told myself that I would take that time, and learn how to be me, on my own, before I would allow myself to be attracted to someone. Lust, that was fine. One night stands or the like, not a problem. But any emotion attached to it, not on your life. And since then, I've spent a lot of time alone. I've allowed myself to feel fine alone, to actively not want to spend time with people. I don't know if that's OK.
I don't know if its enough, but other than an arbitrary date that I set, I don't know how I'll know when I'm ready.
To add more to it, I don't know if I could get involved in a healthy relationship with this person. I've seen how this person has operated in relationships, and I don't want to be that way. It doesn't mean it will be that way, and I'm fairly certain that if it ever got that way I'd be able to get out without a look back.
But I want it. At least I think I do. I want to give it a try. Maybe this is all academic, maybe I'll tell her that I feel this way and she'll tell me that she doesn't. I know that I could continue the way I am. I could go this way indefinitely. I just don't think I want to. I want to reach out and try. I'd like to get back into a relationship again. It doesn't have to be long-term. It doesn't have to be the next Mrs. Tanner; but dating, spending time on this level. I'd like to do that again.
I've gone on something close to a date with this person, but neither of us declared it as this hallowed state. We both had fun, but I don't know how to cross that divide. To reach out and say "Hey, I'd like to be more than friends." I don't want to lose her as a friend, but I don't want to stay in this limbo.
I wish I had an answer.