Monday, January 5, 2009

Breaking out

I mentioned in my last post that some things would change, and, although you may not be aware of it, I have already started. Previously, other than my intermission posts, all posts were titled with an R.E.M. song. Back in the 90's, I was a huge fan and really got into the band. When I built this blog, the first post's title was inspired by a song of their's and I decided to keep it up. But I am throwing that off, not because I don't like the band, but, really, because I'm discarding some of my former baggage, and that seems to be a good metaphorical start.

I'm going to talk a bit about how I feel lately. As I'm sure you are aware, I moved from my home in Southington, to a new home in Bristol. Currently we have a contract to close on the house for January 30, so I am hoping I can close that chapter behind me soon. I made the first drop off of Gwen to her mother at the new house she is renting with some others on Saturday. I had no Christmas tree this year. I spent Christmas without any family around me. I went to someone else's house for New Year's Eve.

All of these things have conspired together to leave me very far outside of my element. I am scared and I am sad. All of this transition at once has left me close to depressed. While I am intellectually aware that getting back together with Jenn would be a bad idea were such a thing even possible (which, again, I am intellectually aware it is not), knowing that Jenn was not coming back and sleeping in the same house as me ever again brought me to tears. Knowing that I won't accidently see Gwen at the house on days that she's with her mother made me cry. I'm angry and sad, and I want my family back, and I know I'm not going to get that. I came very far during my therapy this summer, and now I'm starting to feel like I'm headed in the wrong direction.

But I will not let it get me.

I've been thinking a lot about a great many things in my life. Things I waste time and money on. This will come as a disappointment to some of you, but I am going to be cutting back on my gaming. I will no longer be doing anything game related that takes place outside of the day of game. I will most likely be discontinuing playing some of the LARPs I play in now, and may not replace them with others. I am very sick of the disfunctional relationships that build up around LARPs. I am sick of player drama ("I don't get enough plot", "My chracter can't accomplish anything", "The ST has it out for me", etc). I am sick of ST ego trips. I am sick of the elitism that seems to accompany each group who thinks they are better than another for some reason or another. Frankly, I am sick of people forgetting that it is an activity we choose to do to have fun.

I will be, more than likely, playing more tabletop games, spending time writing for and filming for Elmwood, learning puppetry, working on my productive hobbies, and trying to excel in my career and in those things that bring me true pleasure. Above all I plan to be even more dedicated to my daughter's well-being. I'd like to work on more projects for her, spend more quality time together.

I know this sounds like a depressing post, and for that, I apologize. For me its not depressing, in fact, its been cathartic. I've worked through it, feel better and I am moving on.

To all of you who have read through all of this. Thank you, and know that you are loved.

2 comments:

I'm Jon, just a guy. I try to smell good. said...

"learning puppetry"... You're in trouble now!

Evil Jim said...

You shouldnt have said that Josh. Now Jon is going to teach you puppetry via method acting, or as we like to call it, "Prison Style".

Now drop your trow and assume the position while I go get a can of Crisco...I hope I remember where I put those elbow length rubber gloves...