Yesterday I think I was able to get a lot out about my feelings surrounding where I am in my life right now. I think I managed to communicate it with a minimum of drama, but more of a stark, harsh, shine the light on the dark places and really examine how I feel and what I am doing.
I had thought about making this post about other people - how we treat one another, those who try and dodge the hard spots but are ready when times are good - but that doesn't really fit with what I want to be the theme of this journal. I want this to be introspective, contemplative, but not about "this is why I don't like person X" or "it drives me crazy when Y does Z".
So, let's talk about a few things.
First of all, I'm taking recommendations for a new name for the blog. I don't like 'The Ringleader's Journal', that was always a placeholder. I called my old journal "Whimpers from the Back End", but I don't think that it matches my new outlook. If anyone out there reading this knows Latin, I may have a title. And I mean knows Latin, not, can find an online translator. This comes from a story.
When in therapy, as I discussed yesterday, and I promise not to make every post about therapy, I just found it really helpful, I learned a few things about myself. First of all, I have always had a desire to control everything around me; fall in line, do what I say, anticipate my needs and follow them. Identifying the root of this came about, and along with that the realization that, not only can I not control everything around me, by trying to I avoid the true source of happiness: internal empowerment.
Wow, reading that it sounds either really trite, really obvious, or really psycho-babbly. Bear with me.
What I learned is that if I am internally happy, or even more importantly, if I am in command of my internal feelings and don't require that they are based on other people, I am in a much better place and more able to handle what happens in my life. I've already seen this happen. I'm not always happy, but that's OK.
What came out of this was my new mantra and motto: Power, not control
So you can see why I need a Latin "speaker" to translate that, both power and control have so many meanings I'd need the appropriate one.
Otherwise, I'm thinking of adding a theme to each day's post to make it a little more rounded. This will go in line with the new ads I've added. What I'd like to do is provide you, the reader, with something you want to read, and in return, you go ahead and click on the ads, generating me some revenue.