Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The Wake-Up Bomb part 2

I think that intermission is going to be a regular topic here at the Ringleader's Journal, which, by the by, needs a better name. Those posts will simply be called ---intermission--- until I come up with a better title. I like my naming scheme for posts so far, and I'm not sure if anyone who reads this actually understands them, but that's OK. That was far too stream of consciousness, what I started to say was I intend to continue posts that are simply one sentence on what I want in a girlfriend. Maybe someone will know someone who fits that particular feeling or desire and hook me up. Maybe I'll just throw out incomprehensible messages about how I feel after listening to albums released in 2002.

When I last left off, I was discussing my inability to understand how exactly I feel and a sense that I don't know what I'm supposed to do next. This in and of itself may be a good thing.

When I first started therapy, Jenn agreed to go with me once, just so that she could show me that it was truly over. The therapist asked how I felt and I responded with "I feel like you aren't giving this a chance, I feel like you want me to do 'X'" etc. The therapist just sat there until I said "I feel lost" and then she stopped me. It was the first time I talked about how I felt. Not how I felt in relation to something else. Just me. Just my feelings. And after a little while I realized that I had spent years basing these innermost feelings on their context with someone else. Finally I'm starting to break these thoughts out seperately.

So today I may feel sad. It's not I feel like Jenn left me and abandoned our relationship; it's just sad. And that is so damn liberating. Because I can choose how I feel from there. When I feel like Jenn left me, I can't do anything about that. I can't make Jenn not leave me. That's her choic and what she did. When I feel sad, I can feel that way and decide what to do about it. I can decide I want some time alone, I can decide I'd like to think about it, or I can decide I'd like to do something to feel happy, maybe call a friend, maybe eat a pint of ice cream; whatever. I can make a choice on how to act and react.

Not knowing what I'm "supposed" to do next means I'm not relying on some dream or false hope and expectation that's built around someone else. It means figuring out what I want, and reaching for that. And really, isn't that a much better place to start from?

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