Yesterday the divorce was finalized. It was an incredibly surreal day. Jenn and I chatted amiably while waiting for the lawyers to show up and again while waiting for the case to be called and I'm just having a hard time getting my head around the concept. Since she asked for the divorce we've had our worst fights and our best non-romantic conversations. We've had times where we've gotten along better than we have in years. Some of the pressure was off, but I don't know why it took the divorce to do that.
And that's something else strange. Why do we say "asked for the divorce"? I wasn't asked, I was told. That's the phrase, though. That's what I'm expected to say.
My mood has been on a roller coaster - there's another strange metaphor, I get the ups and downs part, but a roller coaster is supposed to be fun, and this is anything but. I guess its better to say, my mood has been on a plane in heavy turbulence. I'm worried that the plane is going to crash, but some of the time the trip seems OK and I can sit back and read or listen to my ipod. I guess I'm waiting for some sort of oxygen mask to drop or to be told we're coming in for a landing. The problem is I have no idea where I'm landing, the plane's destination is a complete mystery to me.
I've been thinking a lot about where I go from here on the love and relationship front. It is a fact of human nature that we seek out others to love and be intimate with. I know this is something I crave, but I believe it is on a very different level than I have experienced the desire before. It's not as much of a need as I have experienced before. On many levels I am enjoying the freedom I've never really had. I have never really lived on my own as a bachelor before. In the last 10 years I have never gone more than a few months not in a relationship. In fact, since the announcement of the divorce in March this is the longest I have gone without being in a relationship since I entered my twenties. I don't know that I know how to date any longer. I don't know that I know how to seek out another.
This post will be continued...