Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The Wake-Up Bomb

Yesterday the divorce was finalized. It was an incredibly surreal day. Jenn and I chatted amiably while waiting for the lawyers to show up and again while waiting for the case to be called and I'm just having a hard time getting my head around the concept. Since she asked for the divorce we've had our worst fights and our best non-romantic conversations. We've had times where we've gotten along better than we have in years. Some of the pressure was off, but I don't know why it took the divorce to do that.

And that's something else strange. Why do we say "asked for the divorce"? I wasn't asked, I was told. That's the phrase, though. That's what I'm expected to say.

My mood has been on a roller coaster - there's another strange metaphor, I get the ups and downs part, but a roller coaster is supposed to be fun, and this is anything but. I guess its better to say, my mood has been on a plane in heavy turbulence. I'm worried that the plane is going to crash, but some of the time the trip seems OK and I can sit back and read or listen to my ipod. I guess I'm waiting for some sort of oxygen mask to drop or to be told we're coming in for a landing. The problem is I have no idea where I'm landing, the plane's destination is a complete mystery to me.

I've been thinking a lot about where I go from here on the love and relationship front. It is a fact of human nature that we seek out others to love and be intimate with. I know this is something I crave, but I believe it is on a very different level than I have experienced the desire before. It's not as much of a need as I have experienced before. On many levels I am enjoying the freedom I've never really had. I have never really lived on my own as a bachelor before. In the last 10 years I have never gone more than a few months not in a relationship. In fact, since the announcement of the divorce in March this is the longest I have gone without being in a relationship since I entered my twenties. I don't know that I know how to date any longer. I don't know that I know how to seek out another.

This post will be continued...

1 comment:

I'm Jon, just a guy. I try to smell good. said...

It was great to see you in good spirits last nite my friend.
You (both) deserve the best in life. And I'm sure it's on it's way.
You've got an amazing and beautiful daughter, surrounded by good people, and you're (both) among the good people yourself...
I am pround to call you a friend...
And may I say...
Congrats! (hahaha)
JB