Departure

This is a twofold announcement. First, just a reminder that tomorrow is Frank Sinatra's birthday. Do something to commemorate it. Have a martini, sing a song, listen to Ol' Blue Eyes sing something, sleep with Laurne Bacall, help a Kennedy win an election, rob a Las Vegas Casino, whatever.

Second, I wanted to let you all know that although this blog has pretty much been on hiatus, this, like a number of things in my life, is a new committment for 2009. Moving out, working out more, eating better, saving money, making money on side jobs, and taking care of myself and my relationships, all of these things will be a new priority come January 1. So expect more from me soon. I'm thinking a minimum of 4 times per week.

Ignoreland Nov. 4th Edition

Did you vote today?

Why the hell not?

Are you going to vote today?

Good.

Despite what George Carlin may think, if you don't vote, you don't get the right to complain. I will pimp slap anyone who doesn't vote who complains about anything even vaguely related to this campaign. That includes prices of anything, traffic, the environment and Kenny Rogers.

So get out there and support the candidate of your choice and I hope its the one with the only remedy for the fever that this country has...

Monty Got a Raw Deal

I'm hoping to have multiple posts today. I wanted to start with an example of a group calling itself Christian, having no idea what it means to be Christ-like. Some of you may have heard this already. Apparently, during Gen Con, there was, as per usual, an attempt to raise money for a charity. This year, in commemoration of the death of Gary Gygax, they decided to donate to his favorite charity; the Christian Children's Fund. Over $17,000 was raised to help impoverished children around the world. That donation was rejected out of hand, apparently because some of the money came from the sale of Dungeons and Dragons books.

Let me repeat that. $17,000 was to be donated to a charity and they rejected it because it came from gamers.

Every year, our various roleplaying groups tend to raise at least $1000 in cash to be donated to charity, and a lot more in toys given to Toys for Tots. This charity rejects that. I'd like to find somewhere in the Bible where it says "Take not the money of the gamer, for... um... hold on, there's got to be something... he drinketh the coffee and the Mountain Dew, therefore you should know him as unclean? Does that work?"

Now and then I'd like to have a machine that helps me have a conversation with the guy who started their religion.

Me: So Jesus, a bunch of guys who claim to do what you want rejected a $17,000 donation because it came from a group of people who occasionally sit around a table, roll dice and pretend to be fantasy characters.

Jesus: Say what?

Me: I'm trying to remember the sermon you gave about roleplayers being unholy, can you help me with this.

Jesus: No man, I've got no idea what those crazy m0therf@ck3rs are talking about.

I sent a letter to them in my disgust, and I think I was fairly level-headed for an angry antitheist.

Good morning,

Every year a roleplaying group I am involved with raises hundreds to thousands of dollars to donate to charities. During the crisis around hurricane Katrina our small group of less than 20 was able to make a donation totalling over $1000 raised within the period of 6 days. Recently it has come to my attention that your charitable group refused a donation of more than $17,000 from the organizers of GenCon. I have yet to find a reasonable explanation for this rejection of money to help those in need.

Refusing the donation of this money raised in memory of a man who donated to your organization countless times cannot be considered at all Christ-like. I am confused at the explanation you are giving the children who will not receive this well needed funds. Have you told them that they will not receive the sanitation they need because a gamer wanted to give to them? I have found no mention of this rejection on your website. Have you in any way communicated this rejection to your other donors?

I am confused at your actions, but primarily I am sad for the children. I am in the process of making this rejection aware to my friends, many of whom are gamers, to find alternative charities for donation. Please reconsider this stance as those who are trying to make a difference are trying to aid you.

Thank you,

So, many of you know that I have a general contempt for religion and wouldn't have donated to them anyway, but can someone who practices a religion help me out with this?

Testing

This is a test.

Moral Kiosk - update

Friendship is a strange thing. We have rules, ways of behaving that we expect one another to know, one another to live by. Sometimes these rules are spoken aloud; more often then not they are merely assumed. Usually we have no logical creation of these rules, only a deep seated sense that they are right.

When one of these rules is violated we are hurt, severely, but we rarely know what to do. "These rules shouldn't ever be violated," we think "everyone is aware of them."

I want to forgive, but I can't.

I want to hate, but I don't.

Moral Kiosk

Something happened to me this weekend that made me fairly depressed for a while. After chatting with some good friends in person I felt much better. Its amazing how many times you can think that an emotional wound is healed but when rubbed the right way it chafes and burns.

On that note, this may be the first time I've ever posted lyrics in a post other than as a brief quote. It's usually not my style, but as I continue to heal I heard this song and it felt so right.

Don't Think Twice, It's All Right

It ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
It don't matter, anyhow
An' it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
If you don't know by now
When your rooster crows at the break of dawn
Look out your window and I'll be gone
You're the reason I'm trav'lin' on
Don't think twice, it's all right

It ain't no use in turnin' on your light, babe
That light I never knowed
An' it ain't no use in turnin' on your light, babe
I'm on the dark side of the road
Still I wish there was somethin' you would do or say
To try and make me change my mind and stay
We never did too much talkin' anyway
So don't think twice, it's all right

It ain't no use in callin' out my name, gal
Like you never did before
It ain't no use in callin' out my name, gal
I can't hear you any more
I'm a-thinkin' and a-wond'rin' all the way down the road
I once loved a woman, a child I'm told
I give her my heart but she wanted my soul
But don't think twice, it's all right

I'm walkin' down that long, lonesome road, babe
Where I'm bound, I can't tell
But goodbye's too good a word, gal
So I'll just say fare thee well
I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don't mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all right

-Bob Dylan, 1963

I Wanted to Be Wrong

So, I'm listening to "This American Life" (I've been doing that a lot lately), and this guy is interviewing people about how they feel about him; they all think he's an @$$hol3. He's asking his friends about it, and asks one of them:

"If you think this way about me, why are you still friends with me?"
"I don't know... inertia."

And I thought about that. How many times are we friends with people not because of any real reason we want to be together, but because we have been for so long?

...oh, this isn't a comment about any of my fine readers. I was just thinking of an earlier conversation I had with a friend.

Wanting to be with Jenn on some level was just due to inertia.

So, here's to overcoming inertia.

So, in a vain attempt to avoid doing work, I have, once again, been playing around with Netflix. I now have 414 DVDs in my queue. Assuming that each disk is only 2 hours (which many of them are more, especially if they are a disk of some TV show), it would take me 818 hours, or 34.5 days to watch them all. That's right, I've dedicated 35 days of my future life to watching movies.

Bittersweet Me

We got an offer on the house earlier this week, far below what we could afford to part with it for, so I haven't thought about it a lot. With the offer the woman put down we'd have to shell out $10,000 each AND spend $3000 on tree removal and get rid of the woodstove. Obviously this wasn't going to work. I figured the buyer would move on and forget about us. We countered with an amount where Jenn and I would walk away with $5,000 each and only remove the woodstove and there were a series of back and forths between our Realtor and the buyer. Finally she came back with a deal whereby the two of us would lose a total of $1000 on the house and have to remove the woodstove.

As of 45 minutes ago I said yes.

Why? Why did I say yes? I made it very clear to Jenn that I wouldn't accept any deal that lost us money. I can't afford to shell out $500. I'm just not as strong as I keep thinking I am. Jenn really wants this, I want out, but I want out with some cash in my pocket. I've been making plans based on putting a little money down on a condo, now I'm broke.

So, Why? Because ending this chapter is worth it. I can really actually finish the mourning process when I'm not wondering if she's there. I can start dating without thinking about planning.

I decided to cheer myself up by reading friends' old blog entries. I read Jim's blog, all of it, and then I moved on to Jon's. And I cried. I wept, quietly, since I'm at my desk at work. But I read a post about Jon's brother and I lost it. I've been thinking about my life a little bit differently since then.

Jon, I know you're away this weekend and might not read this until Monday, or at all, but that being said I wanted to comment on how you touched my life. Wow, that sounds sappy, but so what.

A few weeks ago I was leaving an Elmwood meeting and you were standing outside talking, I think with Tricky. You looked up at me as I got in the car and said "I love you, man." At the time I replied without thinking, but as I drove away, I thought it was an odd thing to say; I appreciated it, but I thought it was odd. I thought about it again after I read through some posts, and I have this to say:

I love you, man.

OK, I'm done with the overly emotional personal messages.

Now I'm looking for a roomate and a 3 bedroom for a fairly cheap price. My goal is 2 years in one place, then buying again.

---intermission---

...who will tell me how she feels even if its wrong, especially if its wrong, and allow it to be.

...who will let me feel, even if she doesn't like it.

Camera (movie edition)

Today's themed post is all about the movies.

First of all, check out this news. (Update: this link seems to be screwey and not working every time, try this if it fails). Apparently Kenneth Branagh is in talks to direct the upcoming Thor movie. Now, I haven't always seen eye-to-eye with Branagh, his Hamlet seemed to me like an exercise in vanity, but when I heard about it, I had the same thought that the guys at Ain't It Cool had; Henry V. If you haven't seen this version from 1989, you're really missing someone who nails Shakespeare in a film setting.

Secondly, I believe on the night of 10/17 (that's a Friday) I'll be hosting a get-together and screening of one of the twentieth century's finest pieces of cinema. That's right, it is finally time for the Adventures in Babysitting viewing we've been talking about for so long. 80's attire is strongly encouraged, bring some snack or drink to share. Please note, I have Gwen that night, so all festivities will be muted, this isn't an all out, wake the neighbors party, but rather a chance to get together and enjoy ridiculousness.

Finally, I had an idea yesterday for a screenplay which I can't shop to Elmwood, there is no way we'd ever have the budget for it. Its a simple premise, an over-the-top action movie in the strain of Die Hard and the great buddy movies like Lethal Weapon starring....

Helen Mirren and Judi Dench.

Can you imagine? I know it would be a success, I can't think of anyone who wouldn't want to see it. I'm thinking Matt Damon and Casey Affleck as the love interests, Jeremy Piven as the villian, and Timothy Olyphant as the police chief. I'm shopping script names, but I think I'm going to put this together.

We Walk

I haven't posted in a while, and for that, I apologize. Work has been pretty busy and I have disassembled my computer at home for the time being.

Right now my life is in a holding pattern. I have yet to progress on anything, finding a place to live, selling my house, progressing in my personal life. My brother, with whom I was going to be buying a house got an apartment and I didn't find out until after he signed the lease. Now I don't know what I'll do, though I imagine it means going back to renting, something I thought was behind me.

The house is still on the market, we have now dropped the price $40,000 from where we started 6 months ago. I don't think I really need to say more than that.

I haven't made any moves in my personal life. I'm not entirely sure why, perhaps my initial reluctance.

Much of my free time has been planned for me lately, and I'm not sure how much I like that. I've joined some new table top games, we'll see how that goes, and I'm spending time with different people.

I feel like because of personal committments I haven't been as open to Elmwood as I'd like to be, though I have no idea how to fix that. For those Elmwood people out there, know that I'm trying.

Finally, I'm hoping to add some videos up here soon, I'll let you know as soon as I can.

I heard an incredible quote today:

"Stereotypes are like rogue elephants with AIDS who have been set on fire by terrorists... only worse."

Talk About the Passion

For the first time in a while, I've got something I simultaneously want to talk about and want to keep secret. It's a strange feeling. I've even learned a new word about it. Something so important to me that I think about it a good portion of my day, but something, I don't know, maybe I'm ashamed, maybe I'm worried that by talking about it I'll break the spell, or talk myself into or out of it; and I really don't know which is worse.

I guess it all comes down to not really knowing who I can talk to about this. I'm not sure if I have someone in my life who I feel comfortable enough talking about these things with right now. That's not a condemnation of any of you, my dear friends and readers. I've just shuffled around so much in my life that I'm not sure where I stand with a lot of things. And, really, some of it boils down my trying to guess what other people are going to say, how they are going to react. I know I shouldn't, I don't know at all what anyone thinks, I'm making these assumptions without any basis - but there I go.

So I'll dive into it.

I have feelings for someone. I have no idea if these feelings are reciprocated. That is, without a doubt, the most terrifying thought I've had since I came to terms with the divorce.

While typing all of this I realized that I am constantly thinking about how I'm going to be judged by saying all of this. I'm trying to think of what to say that would best hide who I'm talking about; guessing who knows, who guesses, who guesses incorrectly, who is going to mention this to my ex-wife.

When I first allowed myself to acknowledge the fact that my relationship with my wife was over - that I had been pulling myself into terribly bad relationships, that I didn't know (at the time) how to be in a healthy relationship - I told myself that it would be at least a year before I even thought about allowing myself to be in a relationship. I told myself that I would take that time, and learn how to be me, on my own, before I would allow myself to be attracted to someone. Lust, that was fine. One night stands or the like, not a problem. But any emotion attached to it, not on your life. And since then, I've spent a lot of time alone. I've allowed myself to feel fine alone, to actively not want to spend time with people. I don't know if that's OK.

I don't know if its enough, but other than an arbitrary date that I set, I don't know how I'll know when I'm ready.

To add more to it, I don't know if I could get involved in a healthy relationship with this person. I've seen how this person has operated in relationships, and I don't want to be that way. It doesn't mean it will be that way, and I'm fairly certain that if it ever got that way I'd be able to get out without a look back.

But I want it. At least I think I do. I want to give it a try. Maybe this is all academic, maybe I'll tell her that I feel this way and she'll tell me that she doesn't. I know that I could continue the way I am. I could go this way indefinitely. I just don't think I want to. I want to reach out and try. I'd like to get back into a relationship again. It doesn't have to be long-term. It doesn't have to be the next Mrs. Tanner; but dating, spending time on this level. I'd like to do that again.

I've gone on something close to a date with this person, but neither of us declared it as this hallowed state. We both had fun, but I don't know how to cross that divide. To reach out and say "Hey, I'd like to be more than friends." I don't want to lose her as a friend, but I don't want to stay in this limbo.

I wish I had an answer.

Ignoreland

Today I really feel like talking about politics. Maybe its the DNC going on right now, maybe its the other changes in my life. This year, for the first time, I made a donation to a campaign. I'm still reeling over the fact that I spent my own money on this, especially when money is so tight, but it was important to me.

On my old blog, back in 2004 I made a post about how I felt the day after the last election. I was angry and hurt, but I decided I needed to do something about it. I posted the following (in part):

I pledge the following:

In the next four years I will get five friends to help me in my endeavors to recapture my civil rights. I, with these five friends, will actively campaign to get candidates of our choosing voted in or re-elected to Congress. I will donate my time to the Democratic party, and come 2008 to the primary candiate of my choice to run for President. After the primaries, I will dedidate that time to the Democratic party candidate chosen by the voters, whether or not they are the candidate I have chosen to back in the primaries. I will not allow this country to be shanghaied again by the corporate intrests of Haliburton, Bush Co, and the civil-liberties hating Republican Party due to my lack of activism and my laziness.

Well, I'm not sure I've gotten five friends behind my endeavors, and since the birth of my daughter, I don't actually have the free time I'd like to dedicate to the campaign. That being said, I have spoken out about Obama and why I think he's important. I donated to the campaign and now I'm reaching out to those who read this blog. Tell me what you think. Open a discussion with me about politics. I had about 5 people at the time tell me they were on board. Let's see what we can do to make sure the election goes our way this time.

Next a rant about John McCain.

First; I hear of a lot of former Hillary supporters talking about supporting McCain. As far as I can see there is no logical reason someone who supports the policies of Hillary Clinton could dream of supporting the Republican candidate. Only anger over her loss to Obama could bring someone to support him by sheer nature of opposing the one who defeated her in the primary. A few weeks bag McCain attended the Sturgis Rally in North Carolina. The motorcycle rally includes a beauty contest called the "Miss Buffalo Chip" contest, and generally features its participants nude or at least topless. McCain, while at the rally (directly following the "Ringing Wet & Wild" women's mud wrestling event) told the crowd that he suggested his wife ender the "Miss Buffalo Chip" contest. Now those who know me know I'm not adverse to mud wrestling or nudity, but is this the type of progress in the women's movement that the former Clinton supporters see in McCain.

Add to that his campaign's insult to gamers, wielding the D&D players are slackers who live in their mom's basement tired old hat. Somehow he, or at least his staff, equates liberal politics with roleplaying. That I don't get. Now I'm a bleeding heart liberal and a roleplayer, but I certainly don't live in my mom's basement. And the greatest thing is it comes in a post where they claim that a recent story John McCain has started telling about finding out that one of his captors in Vietnam was a Christian. Now personally, I'd like to applaud Senator McCain for living through what he lived through there. I'm sure it is worse than anything I have ever suffered. But that doesn't make this story true. It was told by a Russian in 1973, and only recently stated by McCain, and then only when he started to suffer in polling with Evengelicals.

I won't even get into the fact that the man owns so many houses that he can't remember how many he owns. And he calls Obama an elitist?

This weekend I got into a debate with friends who believed that nothing has changed on the civil rights front since the 1960's. I can't even say how flabberghasted I was that they'd make that point. Do I believe that civil rights are perfect? Of course not, but no different than 1959? Ridiculous. Do I need to point out all of the differences? I think the problem with their viewpoint, which I did not articulate that night, was their educational bias. They believe that primary education is still segregated and insufficient for those it is supposed to help. I agree with both of those points, but not that this makes it no different than before the Civil Rights era. I started some research on the statistics, and as soon as I have them I'll publish here.

OK, I don't think I can rant anymore. I've been avoiding work for too long.

---intermission---

I want a girl who will go watch an awful movie with me, then sit up talking about something important.

Feeling Gravity's Pull

Yesterday I think I was able to get a lot out about my feelings surrounding where I am in my life right now. I think I managed to communicate it with a minimum of drama, but more of a stark, harsh, shine the light on the dark places and really examine how I feel and what I am doing.

I had thought about making this post about other people - how we treat one another, those who try and dodge the hard spots but are ready when times are good - but that doesn't really fit with what I want to be the theme of this journal. I want this to be introspective, contemplative, but not about "this is why I don't like person X" or "it drives me crazy when Y does Z".

So, let's talk about a few things.

First of all, I'm taking recommendations for a new name for the blog. I don't like 'The Ringleader's Journal', that was always a placeholder. I called my old journal "Whimpers from the Back End", but I don't think that it matches my new outlook. If anyone out there reading this knows Latin, I may have a title. And I mean knows Latin, not, can find an online translator. This comes from a story.

When in therapy, as I discussed yesterday, and I promise not to make every post about therapy, I just found it really helpful, I learned a few things about myself. First of all, I have always had a desire to control everything around me; fall in line, do what I say, anticipate my needs and follow them. Identifying the root of this came about, and along with that the realization that, not only can I not control everything around me, by trying to I avoid the true source of happiness: internal empowerment.

Wow, reading that it sounds either really trite, really obvious, or really psycho-babbly. Bear with me.

What I learned is that if I am internally happy, or even more importantly, if I am in command of my internal feelings and don't require that they are based on other people, I am in a much better place and more able to handle what happens in my life. I've already seen this happen. I'm not always happy, but that's OK.

What came out of this was my new mantra and motto: Power, not control

So you can see why I need a Latin "speaker" to translate that, both power and control have so many meanings I'd need the appropriate one.

Otherwise, I'm thinking of adding a theme to each day's post to make it a little more rounded. This will go in line with the new ads I've added. What I'd like to do is provide you, the reader, with something you want to read, and in return, you go ahead and click on the ads, generating me some revenue.

The Wake-Up Bomb part 2

I think that intermission is going to be a regular topic here at the Ringleader's Journal, which, by the by, needs a better name. Those posts will simply be called ---intermission--- until I come up with a better title. I like my naming scheme for posts so far, and I'm not sure if anyone who reads this actually understands them, but that's OK. That was far too stream of consciousness, what I started to say was I intend to continue posts that are simply one sentence on what I want in a girlfriend. Maybe someone will know someone who fits that particular feeling or desire and hook me up. Maybe I'll just throw out incomprehensible messages about how I feel after listening to albums released in 2002.

When I last left off, I was discussing my inability to understand how exactly I feel and a sense that I don't know what I'm supposed to do next. This in and of itself may be a good thing.

When I first started therapy, Jenn agreed to go with me once, just so that she could show me that it was truly over. The therapist asked how I felt and I responded with "I feel like you aren't giving this a chance, I feel like you want me to do 'X'" etc. The therapist just sat there until I said "I feel lost" and then she stopped me. It was the first time I talked about how I felt. Not how I felt in relation to something else. Just me. Just my feelings. And after a little while I realized that I had spent years basing these innermost feelings on their context with someone else. Finally I'm starting to break these thoughts out seperately.

So today I may feel sad. It's not I feel like Jenn left me and abandoned our relationship; it's just sad. And that is so damn liberating. Because I can choose how I feel from there. When I feel like Jenn left me, I can't do anything about that. I can't make Jenn not leave me. That's her choic and what she did. When I feel sad, I can feel that way and decide what to do about it. I can decide I want some time alone, I can decide I'd like to think about it, or I can decide I'd like to do something to feel happy, maybe call a friend, maybe eat a pint of ice cream; whatever. I can make a choice on how to act and react.

Not knowing what I'm "supposed" to do next means I'm not relying on some dream or false hope and expectation that's built around someone else. It means figuring out what I want, and reaching for that. And really, isn't that a much better place to start from?

---intermission---

I want a girl who makes me feel like I do after listening to David Bowie's album Heathen.

The Wake-Up Bomb

Yesterday the divorce was finalized. It was an incredibly surreal day. Jenn and I chatted amiably while waiting for the lawyers to show up and again while waiting for the case to be called and I'm just having a hard time getting my head around the concept. Since she asked for the divorce we've had our worst fights and our best non-romantic conversations. We've had times where we've gotten along better than we have in years. Some of the pressure was off, but I don't know why it took the divorce to do that.

And that's something else strange. Why do we say "asked for the divorce"? I wasn't asked, I was told. That's the phrase, though. That's what I'm expected to say.

My mood has been on a roller coaster - there's another strange metaphor, I get the ups and downs part, but a roller coaster is supposed to be fun, and this is anything but. I guess its better to say, my mood has been on a plane in heavy turbulence. I'm worried that the plane is going to crash, but some of the time the trip seems OK and I can sit back and read or listen to my ipod. I guess I'm waiting for some sort of oxygen mask to drop or to be told we're coming in for a landing. The problem is I have no idea where I'm landing, the plane's destination is a complete mystery to me.

I've been thinking a lot about where I go from here on the love and relationship front. It is a fact of human nature that we seek out others to love and be intimate with. I know this is something I crave, but I believe it is on a very different level than I have experienced the desire before. It's not as much of a need as I have experienced before. On many levels I am enjoying the freedom I've never really had. I have never really lived on my own as a bachelor before. In the last 10 years I have never gone more than a few months not in a relationship. In fact, since the announcement of the divorce in March this is the longest I have gone without being in a relationship since I entered my twenties. I don't know that I know how to date any longer. I don't know that I know how to seek out another.

This post will be continued...

Circus Envy

The following is a cross-post from Jim Williams' blog at:

An Open Invite

Hey Friends,

As you may or may not be aware, I am a partner in a small production company here in Central CT, Elmwood Productions. Based out of Plainville, CT, we are focused mostly on comedy short-film making involving puppets. This fall, we will be filming our first feature length film, Josh and Todd: A Story of a Man and his Puppet. This will be a "hybrid" film, consisting of live actors interacting with foam and fleece, "Muppet-Style" puppets of our own creation and manufacture. We are very excited about this project, which promises to be a lot of fun for all involved.

This is where you, my many creative friends and associates, come in. We will be holding auditions and screen-tests in the next few weeks, and I would love to extend to each of you an invitation to come and try out. We are looking for actors and actresses aged 18-35, with varying ranges of experience and/or training. While, at this point in time, no compensation is being offered, we are offering points to cast and crew for future compensation in the event that the film gets picked up by a studio (This is fairly standard for most truly independent films.)

As stated previously, we will be scheduling the auditions/screen-tests in the next few weeks. These auditions will be by invitation only. If you are indeed interested, or if you have questions, please give me a call at 860-538-3320 or drop me an Email at EvilJim@elmwoodproductions.com .

We are really excited about this project and look forward to hearing from all interested parties.

Thanks,

Jim Williams

Sitting Still

It has been a bit longer since my last post than I intended with this blog, but such is the way of life. My week since last posting has been eventful, but there is nothing about it that I am particularly incited to write about.

Last weekend was fairly quiet for how busy it was, three games in one weekend. This weekend finds me trying Requiem again. I have to say, although I have enjoyed this character before, and I am looking forward to Role Playing with people I haven't interacted with for a while, I am very worried about the game. First of all, it seems that the entire game is against me from the moment I walk in, that should be interesting. I'm also concerned about the ST group. While I've had good times under them, I've also had serious problems with their ST style.

Sunday I'm flipping burgers for a friend's wedding then going to see Gogol Bordello at Toad's Place. I'd kind of like to catch a movie this weekend, but I don't think that's going to happen. Tonight should be quiet, and I think I may be hanging out on Friday night. Hopefully I'll get through all of Galactica Season One soon.

Here is a little treasure from the web for the day. It's a little dense in philosophical material relating to the new Batman film, but it does include one of the greatest pictures I've seen in a long time.



The Philosophy of Batman: Schopenhauer Edition

The Worst Joke Ever

This is how my week has been.

Can't Get There from Here

I'd like to call a mulligan on yesterday. Work was work, and that's all I have to say about that. The real difficulty began when I got home.

After a long weekend, I was looking forward to doing laundry and sitting on the couch eating dinner and watching Battlestar Galactica. OK, I wasn't looking forward to doing laundry, but I wanted to do the rest. Starting with dinner things went downhill. I was making fried chicken when Jenn showed up at the house with Gwen, Chris and Rachel. Excited to see Gwen I left the stove and spent some time with my daughter. A minute later the smoke started billowing in from the kitchen as I had burned dinner.

Ah well.

The crew left, I grabbed what was salvagable from dinner and sat on the couch, grabbing the 360's remote and hitting power. Noticing nothing happened on the screen I paused to wonder what was going on and saw the three red blinking lights. Went through all the troubleshooting steps and nothing. I have to send it back.

OK, we have another DVD player.

I hooked up the DVD player in the living room and popped in the disc; disc two of season one. I finished watching the episode that I was in the middle of and grabbed the next disk from Netflix sitting on the end table. I put it in and started watching the first episode. For those of you who haven't seen the show, each episode starts with a recap of recent goings on in the show. I recognized none of them from the disc I just watched. I popped out the dvd and looked at it: "Season 1, Disc 4". That's right, I put them out of order in my queue and got Discs 1, 2 & 4. Three was the next disc in queue.

sigh

So I watched the Tudors. I did some more laundry. Finishing all of my darks, I had a few whites that I threw in with the last load just to fill it out. I now have five or six pink undershirts and a pink mexican shirt.

OK, I'm done. I went to bed then.

Today, I go to Yankee Stadium. Let's home I don't get hit by a bus.

Summer Turns to High

Here we are, another monday morning. The weekend has passed and I'm back at work, doing my job, which takes more than 40 hours a week, and someone else's job because they are out of the office. Nevertheless, while I watch my computer chug away, calculating excel files and generally preventing me from doing anything work related other than calculate those files, I find myself typing into this blog again.

Whenever I sit down to write I wonder if what I put in here is worthy of comment. I want this blog to be a little better than the LiveJournal account I had previously. I want the quality of writing to be more professional, I want the content to be less bitchy and more thoughtful. That being said, I want to discuss what I've done, what I'm doing and what I'm thinking. I'll try to find that thin line.

This weekend was interesting. I went to Rathbun's on Friday and I must say its nice to hang out with him again. Its been a while since we spent time together. Gwen wasn't cooperating, wanting to stay awake all night. Though I think it was a combination of so much going on around her and the heat - there is no AC over there.

Got a chance to play around with White Wolf's Scion, which looks like it could be a lot of fun. There's enough crunchyness for the gamers who like the numbers, powers and dice rolling; but a rich enough story and background that you can just RP without really worrying about it. For those of you not interested in game mechanics, skip the rest of this paragraph. The combat system incorporates a new timing concept that they call "ticks". If another game has this I haven't seen it, so don't tell me this isn't new, its new to me. Basically whoever rolls highest for initiative is considered to go at tick 0. Every other character goes at a place determined by the difference between the sucesses rolled by the first person in initiative and their successes. For example, P1 rolls 5 successes, P2 rolls 3 and P3 rolls 1 success. P1 goes on tick 0, P2 on tick 2, and P3 on tick 4. This continues each round and ticks continue to count up. Each weapon has a rate as well, and can only be operated once that many ticks have passed, so you will continue to count up ticks and progress through the combat. We also played Formula De, but unfortunately I needed to leave mid-game.

Saturday morning started early. Gwen and I got up and got ready to go to the beach. We met up with Kelly and drove down to Rocky Neck to hit the beach. Gwen had a great time figuring out the physics of sand, banging her shovel against the bucket, figuring out that sand doesn't taste good and watching the other kids. I'm looking forward to doing something like that again. We left around 12:30 and stopped by the Book Barn. I am such a sucker for books, but I behaved and didn't buy anything. Finally we stopped at James' Pharmacy in Old Saybrook, I'll have to tell the story of that place later. We had some ice cream and went home to drop Gwen off with her mother.

That night we grabbed dinner at Moe's Southwest Grill since the line at Cheesecake factory was too long. Pretty nice for a "fast food" type place. They had pretty good guacamole and salsa, so I can't complain. Met up with Jim and Jaime after that and went to go see "The Dark Knight". I'm sure I don't need to comment at all on this film, you've eitehr seen it, heard the hype, or most likely both since it made $155.4 million, beating out the less than stellar Spider Man 3. After the movie we hung out for a bit and I didn't get to sleep until 2.

Work begs me to get back to it, so I'll wrap this now, but later I'll get back to Sunday and Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog now only available on iTunes.

Life, and how to live it.

Yesterday was shaping up to be another, very long one, but, thankfully, I got out after only 8 hours here. As of 3:30 pm yesterday I had already put in 30 hours of work. Today, I'll pull another 8 or so, and tomorrow, if I can, I'm going to leave early.

We had two showings of the house on Tuesday, I'm hoping there is some movement on it. Don't get me wrong, I love this place, but I'm ready to move on. It is hard the way things are now, almost a sort of limbo.

Gwen and I went to the Elmwood meeting last night, and I don't think I was really needed. I think, perhaps, in the future, I'll talk to Jon before I go. I offered to drive out to get the supplies, since I couldn't really take care of Gwen and help construction, but the ladies wanted to smoke in the car, so they went without me.

I've been feeling a bit like a 5th wheel a lot lately. The guy who has to make arrangements around his daughter. No I can't go out drinking on Friday. I can be there on Wednesday, but I'll have to bring the baby and leave on time to get her home. I feel like people don't understand the responsibility. And when I don't have her I'm feeling a bit left out because people are trying to plan around me. This weekend I got left alone working on something for a bunch of people while they socialized without me. All of that being said, though, is not a request for sympathy, nor a discussion of how bad I feel. How I feel is on me, I own that. This is more of an observation on how people treat me. Not all, some.

So, I started this 2 hours ago, but work has forced me to put off finishing it a few times now. I'll conclude with a quote.

"Loneliness has followed me my whole life. Everywhere. In bars, cars, sidewalks, stores. Everywhere. There's no escape. I'm God's lonely man." - Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver

"When so many are lonely… as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone. " - Tennessee Williams

What to expect

Jon has linked out to me, so I feel it my duty to post something. I figure since this is the second post, the first merely noting its existance, and therefore strangely self-referentail, it should let you, the reader know what to expect. After typing that last sentence, this post will also, apparently, include long run-on sentences with far too many commas. I like commas, so expect a lot of them. As I tend to write how I feel I speak I will, quite often, use them when I would pause or change tone.

Nevertheless, what to expect out of this blog.

• This will, from time to time be a place for me to vent. Frustrations do better in the light of day than under a bushel, therefore you may see them here from time to time.
• Information about my daughter. She is the highlight of my life, so you'll hear about her.
• My search for a place to live and the sale of my current home. This is taking up a great deal of my life, so I'll be talking about it.
• My evolution. My wife asked me for a divorce in March and I'm trying to learn about myself since then. I spent a few months in therapy and am only now really learning what it means to be happy with myself and not have that happiness dependant on another human being. That being said, I'll discuss when I do well with that and when I do not so well.
• Pop culture randomness. I love pop culture. I adore movies, video games, music and some TV. I'll discuss my likes and dislikes.
• Elmwood and my involvement in it. For those who don't know Elmwood is the production company I am working with. More can be found in their blog.

What you won't read about in this blog.

• My divorce. For many reasons, not the least of which is I will discuss it in person, but not leave a permanent record. When it is over, I may make mention, but I will not turn this into the center of a legal battle.
• Memes. Other than the discussion of cultural traits passed on without much in the way of active teaching. Specifically I mean internet memes like the "Hampster Dance" or "What kind of fruit dropped on the grocery store floor are you?". Just for the record, since it really bothers me when people mispronounce it, the word is pronounced "meem" rhymes with seem. It's Go-Go not cry-cry or mee-mee.

That is the set up. What you do with this is up to you. I'm also going to try to end with a quote. Today's quote is:

"Whoever declares another heretic is himself a devil. Whoever places a relic or artifact above justice, kindness, mercy, or truth is himself a devil and the thing elevated is a work of evil magic." ~ Sheri S. Tepper

Begin the Begin

This is my new blog. Since I can't get to LJ from work, I've decided to start using this. New day, new office.